Once you have mastered reflective listening, you can move on to “looping”. Looping takes reflective listening one step further.
When you “loop,” you repeat back in detail what the speaker has said. You ask if you got the content right. If you got the content right, then you ask, “Is there more?” If you did not get the content right, you give the speaker the opportunity to clarify or correct. You repeat that content and ask again, “Did I get it right?” You keep going until the speaker says you have gotten it right.
Looping can be very challenging at first because you have to listen intently to what the speaker is saying then be able to repeat back the content. You can ask the speaker to pause so that you can reflect back a smaller chunk of content. As you get better at looping, you will find that it gets easier. Your accuracy gets better. You can reflect back larger chunks of content.
You can also take notes so that you have an outline of what the speaker said. Your notes are private and are used only during the conversation. You shred your notes when the conversation is done.
A short example of looping:
Speaker: My favorite team lost on Saturday and I am so bummed out. I went to a watch party with my friends and we were hoping to have a good time. We made food and the weather was great, but we didn’t come out with a win.
Listener: You went to a party with your friends to watch the game and have a good time. It sounds like it could’ve been much more fun if your favorite team had won. Is there more?
Speaker: The buffalo wings just couldn’t ease the pain of losing by one point with one second left on the clock. But, I am getting over it slowly. I try to tell myself it’s only a game!
Listener: You are working on calming yourself down.
Speaker: Bit by bit.
Looping is not necessary in all situations. I tried to write a lower-anxiety scenario, above, where the exchange was short. In highly conflicted situations, however, exchanges tend to be much longer with extensive back stories and detail. Looping effectively lessens anxiety because participants feel heard. When we can reduce anxiety, we can reduce conflict to a more tolerable level.